Ugh!!! It’s been forever!! We know!!! Almost a year. There’s kind of too much to catch you up on but if you know us personally, you know, we are still not pregnant… It’s ok though!… More
I know it’s been a long ass time since I updated the blog! Sorry about that! I’ve been teaching SO much! Then before I knew it, it was the holidays!!! And then… it was January 2019!!!!!! Like… WTF!!
Anyway, we’re still on our Journey to Jujubee! sigh…
So here’s a super condensed version of what’s been going on since the summer!
-We got a new midwife! We LOVE her! She’s so dope and so easy to talk to! We fell in love with her during our very first meeting in September! She’s definitely a keeper and will be the person giving me at home IUIs until we get a Juju.
– So, during our first meeting with her our midwife gave me A LOT of info on how to overhaul my diet to make conception easier. My diet is almost completely different than it was this time last year. Loads of leafy greens, lots of Greek yogurt and whole fat dairy, when eating meat… only grass -fed organic beef, loads of nuts and nut butters and whole grains… and… I cut the coffee and sugar DRAMATICALLY! Like… I’m down to 1 small cup of coffee in the mornings and only sweet snacks when I’m CRAZY craving them.
I’ve also had to learn to eat more. I have to admit that I was only eating maybe 2 times a day, not nearly enough. So I’ve added protein snacks about every 3 hours on top of breakfast/Lunch/Dinner. Yes… I’m actually getting all that in.
I also learned that I’m on the verge of being super anemic so I’ve added iron supplements on top of my prenatal vitamins. I never realized how I was not feeling 100% my best until I made all of these changes!!! Tons more energy and less frequent migraines! I’m still waiting for the cramps to ease up during my period but I’m definitely having lighter periods so yay!
-Another thing I’ve added, that I’m in love with, is acupuncture!!!!!!
OMG!!! Acupuncture is the shizzle forizzle!!!! Who knew that sticking tiny little needles all over your body would make EVERYTHING feel a little bit better.
I’m going specially for IUI support but it’s also helped old dance injuries that I’ve had for a long time! I HIGHLY recommend it if you haven’t tried it yet. My acupuncturist is the bomb diggity which also makes me love it tons. She also been prescribing me herbs to help the process along. It’s great!! A little pricey, especially if you have to go weekly like I do but totally worth it!!!
-So here’s where we get to the baby making update.
Well, after 3 months of trying to overhaul everything to make baby making easier, January came and it was time to start prepping for IUI #1. It was a little surreal as we (finally) chose our donor and purchased the (super expensive, super tiny) vial of sperm.
Around January 1st I became extra, super diligent about getting good BBT temp readings and tracking my ovulation signs. Around day 10 of my cycle I started tracking my surge and surged a full 2 days ahead of when I expected. I call my midwife and she’s all “ok… so I’ll be over tomorrow night to do the IUI.”. Kenni and I are all… “Ummmm… *gulp* ok”.
So we wake up butt early on a Wednesday morning and trek to the sperm bank to pick up our baby making juice!
It’s seriously A LOT of hoopla for the super tiny vial of sperm.
Kenni made me call a Lyft because she thought it was strange to travel on the subway with a big lo’ tank, filled with a tiny sperm vial. I was trying to tell her that we couldn’t be the ONLY people in NYC who have done that but… she wasn’t having it *shrug emoji*
After we got the babies home I went to my acupuncture appointment then came home and waited for the midwife.
She’s comes… does the whole IUI process (which includes a speculum, a super long syringe type situation and a process that feels much like having a Pap smear), which took maybe 10 minutes, made me put my legs in the air, and after a 10 minute random convo with my wife… while I’m naked from the waist down, with my legs in the air… leaves and that was that.
Then came the 2WW (2 Week Wait). Seriously the worst thing ever for someone who reads the ends of books first because she needs to know where the story is gonna go before it gets there. Sigh.
I did all the things that are supposed to help with implantation: No jumping (which is stupid because I’m a dance teacher), no lifting heavy stuff, warm foods and warm feet (which I heard may or may not work but did it anyway for good luck) and was SUPER conscious of my diet… more so than normal.
Sunday was the day to take a hpt (home pregnancy test). I woke up hella early because I couldn’t sleep… well really I’ve been having trouble sleeping for the last week but that’s a topic for another post… and peed on the stick… waited the stupid 3 minutes and…
Stupid BFN (Big Fat Negative)
So here’s the thing. I kinda didn’t expect success on the first try. I know it takes most people multiple times to get pregnant through IUI. One of my best friends had to go through the process more that 8 times before she got her BFP (Big Fat Positive) so I want really surprised. What I was surprised at was how disappointed I felt. A knock the wind out of your sails kind of disappointment. Kinda like… Failure…
I even took another test just this morning to be sure… and still nope… sigh…
Let me be totally transparent and say that I am a control freak, perfectionist by nature. It takes a lot of self control for me to surrender to an experience or outcome. So maybe that’s why I felt SO disappointed. I thought I had let go and trusted the process but… I don’t know. I was super sad about it. Still am a little.
I’m trying to keep in perspective that this was our very first try and it’s not that huge of a deal. But, I’m still allowed to feel sad, right?
My heart goes out to every one going through this process cycle after cycle and keep getting their hearts broken month after month. I have to keep remembering I’m blessed with good fertility and that even if it’s not happening right now, it WILL happen. Juju is just waiting on the exact right moment to make their appearance.
There’s always next cycle.
Which for me starts on Friday once I get my period.
Then we do the entire process over again.
And keep hoping.
And waiting for Juju…
Monday was my 37th birthday.
Yup. That happened.
It was a REALLY good day. Super lowkey, filled with rain and sweets… Just like I like it!!!
I think I’m actually ready for all the change we are preparing for!
Usually, I… don’t dread my birthday… But I’m definitely usually not excited for it. Not because I’m not grateful to be a year older… I always am SO grateful for that. But usually I just look at all the things I haven’t accomplished (yet) and I start hearing that clock tick, tick, ticking away… I usually feel like I’m running out of time to… be a successful adult.
But this year, I looked forward to my day a little more.
Am I exactly where I thought I would be at 37??
NOPE, no where even close…
Am I where I am SUPPOSED to be at 37???
YUPPERS!!! I really think I am!
Somewhere along the line, I finally stopped (or mostly stopped) comparing myself to others.
I mean… My life is completely different than most of the friends I grew up with. So, while they all own huge houses, have 3 1/2 kids and 2 dogs… Kenni and I are all… “Ummmmm… Sure… why not start trying to have a baby at 37 and 38 years old!! So what that our kid is going to be 8-10 and in some cases 14 years younger than most of our close friends’ babies. We have built in babysitters!!!!! *insert unbothered shrug emoji*”
2018 has been SUPER good to us so far so I think the decision to wait (which really wasn’t a decision but just happened) was the absolute right one for us.
So. It seems as though everything was in place as I rang in my 37th year. Hopefully by my next birthday we will be celebrating with Juju in one way or another… And I say that completely prayerfully. We will see…
And Juju Update:
I have an appointment with a new midwife in 2 weeks. I am REALLY trying to go the midwife route for my IUI, at least try it out for a couple of cycles, before we go the RE route. This one really gets in your ass about your diet and all the things that promote successful IUI… which is what I need. My blood work came back really good but I don’t want to leave anything to chance.
Here’s to my 37th year!!!!!
*I would say my wish out loud but we all know that’s a no-no*
It’s been a crazy couple of months…
I know I’ve slacked off on the posting but life has been… full of surprises.
We have finally made a decision on what to do moving forward with Kenni’s fibroid surgery…
Since apparently the doctor doesn’t recommend attempting any fertility treatments for at least 3 months after her surgery… and she probably won’t even get into surgery before September/October… which pushes our timeline back to AT LEAST January/February…
We have decided that I’m going to go ahead with iui/ivf while we wait on Kenni to have the surgery and recover.
Yup… That’s happening…
A TOTAL change of plans!!!
We just figured… since we both planned on carrying at some point (we have a very optimistic plan to have 2 before we’re 40)… why wait if we don’t absolutely HAVE to. There’s 2 of us, so let’s just keep the baby train moving!!!!
We’re headed to Vegas next week for a work trip but once we get back I have to make all the appointments with the RE to see my options. My AMH is really good so I’m still leaning toward at home iui with the midwife we’ve chosen but if an RE can get me preggers faster… we may have to go that route. Its honestly like starting all over again because we thought we had time for me *insert laughing and shrug emojis*, but… Nope.
I do feel a little bad for Kenni because she really wanted to go ahead and try for it. And she knows I’m a little nervous to do this… I think she feels a little guilty.
I keep trying to reassure her that her health is SO important. These fibroids have been taking over her life for WAY too long. I just want to see her completely healthy and happy, without having week long hospital stays every couple of years for blood transfusions. That is the WORST.
I also want to see her not dread her period so bad that she’s in tears because she knows she’s going to lose soooooo much blood and may need a transfusion after. That is NO way to live and I want more for my wife than that. Much more.
So… Lets get that bullshit OUT!!!
It’s not cool to have random things in your abdomen just chillin’ there and stealing your blood. If you don’t have to… why live that way???
So… I’m going to woman up and take the dive first!!!!
I’m excited and nervous at the same time.
I have a few pregnancy phobias that I’ll tell y’all about later… But I’m not about to let those stand in our way.
Once Kenni is healthy and given the go ahead then we will go ahead and finish what we started with her.
That’s one of the advantages to being in a lesbian marriage. We got 2 uterus (what’s the plural of uterus???? Uteri??? Uteruseses??? *shug*)!!!!!!
Anyway… like I said… Vegas in 10 days, so we will not think about this and relax by the pool with a drank and eat out, gamble… a little.
Then we will come home refreshed and hopefully a little less stressed about this!
I know, I know! It’s been a while since I last posted an update!! Things have been incredibly crazy!!! Kenni’s been working her butt off! I’ve been to L.A. and back! Just SOOOOOOO much! So… Here’s an update!
About 2 weeks ago, Kenni and I went to meet with and RE to double check and second opinion that everything was good for us for baby making.
That day just happened to be the 2nd day of Kenni’s period, which is also the heaviest. She called the clinic to make sure that it was still ok to come in and they said that it was actually the PERFECT time! So off we went.
Now… When I say Kenni’s periods are heavy… That’s kinda putting it mildly. Remember, Kenni has a history of fibroids which makes her periods MUCH heavier than most women. So, really, she didn’t want to leave the house. But we had rescheduled once already and just wanted to do it so that we could move forward, so when they told us it was good to come in we went.
By the time we got there Kenni wasn’t feeling well and was really bleeding.
We met with our doctor and went through the usual questions that they ask about health history. She said that she would do an ultrasound sound on Kenni to check the fibroids and bloodwork. For me, they would only do blood work to check my AMH levels and genetic testing.
She took Kenni back for her exam and as soon as she saw how much Kenni was bleeding she knew Kenni’s fibroids had grown.
The ultrasound confirmed it.
The fibroid is MUCH bigger than the last time it was checked about a year ago and she has tiny ones in her uterine lining. It seems that the only option is surgery to remove them. Because of where they are located the doctor is concerned about miscarriage or pre term labor. There shouldn’t be a problem with GETTING preggo… But we definitely don’t want to risk miscarriage if we can prevent it.
So surgery it is.
Which includes a 3 month recovery period… Which puts our plans a little behind schedule.
Kenni is sad but taking it like a “G”. Surgery is the last thing she wants but if it helps us bring Juju home, then that’s what has to happen.
The good news here is that both of our AMH levels and overian reserve look really good for our age so hopefully we can be pregnant within a few cycle once we start. We were told there should be no problems with actually getting either one of us pregnant so at least there’s a silver lining.
We were actually thinking about having me cycle first while waiting on Kenni to have her surgery and taking time to heal. I guess that’s still an option… We just need to talk more about it. Kenni had her heart set on doing this before the year is up and I really don’t want to take that from her. So maybe we’ll just wait it out…
So many decisions and it’s only been a week to process all of this so we’re still not really sure what we’re going to end up doing.
We have contacted the gynocologist recommended to us by our fertility doctor for her surgery. Hopefully we will have an appointment with her soon and get more detailed information that can help us make a decision.
We knew there would be ups and downs in this journey so we’re not discouraged. Just impatient!!! But even small steps are steps and we will get there eventually.
For now we focus on Kenni’s health and by doing that we make more room for our Jujubee.
So keep us in your thoughts as we navigate this bump in the road.
Other than that…
All is well…
Another day… Another temp reading and another day of fertility dieting…
This having to document your temperature in the mornings has proven to be a pain in the ass.
Either we can’t remember or the thermometer goes wonky. There’s always something. But I’m proud to say that we’ve successfully monitored Kenni’s temp for about 2 weeks now.
We’re still not sure of how to read the damn chart (what is a baseline and where and when do we put it on her chart?) or really what we’re doing at all but I guess practice makes perfect?????
And let’s be real. We really just plan on sending them in to the midwife when her cycle is over and let her translate it for us… Because… Kenni and Toya…
Oh! Mental note to buy an ovulation kit today!!!!
Fertility dieting is actually going smoothly.
When I do things I kinda go big or go home with them. So I quickly realized that I needed to back off of Kenni a bit. I think I was a little too intense for her and started to stress her out. Now we’re mostly sticking to the plan all week and having a cheat day midweek. And by cheat day I mean a snack or meal that is still healthy but may not be exactly on the diet.
Although for Mother’s Day we COMPLETELY cheated. We went to visit Kenni’s mom in the Bronx and well… Let’s just say that anything she cooks will definitely not be on the diet!! Like.. at all. And I baked so we (obvi) ate cake! But other than that it’s going well! I’ve even been able to just have 1 lonely ass cup of coffee a day… And I don’t bite anyone’s head off during the day!!!! So… Definite progress.
While we wait to be able to inseminate, Kenni and I have been having some serious talks about how we want our Jujubee to grow up. We’ve had these talks a million times over the 16 years we’ve been together but now its even more important because it’s not just random conversations and daydreaming. These are talks, that in a few months (hopefully) will be things that we will actually be putting into action!
One of the long talks we had the other day was that we both agree that we are leaning towards homeschool for Jujubee. At least for a while. And least while we are still in NYC.
There’s a few factors that made us come to this decision.
For me… It’s mainly because I’ve been living in NYC for a while and there are no public schools here that I would trust my kid to. Not to say that there aren’t some really good schools here… There are… I just had SUCH a good education during my elementary, middle and high school years that I’m verrrry picky.
There are also certain things that are important to me that my kid be exposed to. The arts, is of course, one of them. Now… I would LOVE my child to be a dancer, but we all know that you just never know. So really I don’t care that they BECOME artists (if they’re super book smart or into sports that’s good too) but I want them to appreciate art, performing and visual, and have education in them. I need my child to feel free to be as creative and imaginative as possible. I know we could do that as parents and still send them to public school but I want it as their education. Not as an extra curricular or side note.
I feel that homeschooling will let us be a little more hands on with what Juju is learning and how they are learning it.
I’ve actually been researching different homeschool curriculum. We have LOADS of time right now but I’m just want to be prepared when the time comes.
For Kenni (and really both of us)… All of these school shootings have gotten out of hand.
Kenni’s mom is a retired teachers’ aid for special needs children. Last year Kenni went to visit her mom at school and while she was there, the school has an active shooter drill. She thought it was a fire drill at first until teachers started barricading the doors. She came home a little emotional and said she can’t imagine having to go to school and that be a part of your schooling. She said right then that we should think of homeschooling. And I didn’t argue.
We had fire drills and tornado drills. But…Really… Active shooter drills??????? What on Earth has our country come to that this is necessary??? And I do understand that it is necessary. But it really is heartbreaking.
We know we won’t be able to protect Juju from EVERYTHING but… At least this is a choice that we can make that we think would be best for our family. Once Juju is old enough to be like… “Ummmm… I’m over this whole homeschool thing”, then we will revisit our decision and update it. Bit for now, this is how were feeling. Only time will tell though.
Ok. I think that’s it for now. Trying to think if I skipped anything…
We’ve been spending time babysitting our friends kids!!!! Getting a little practice in!! We ROCK at babysitting… But then we just spoil the kids and give them back so… That’s but saying much but it’s good diaper changing, batheing and feeding practice!!!
So I’ll leave you with this RIDIC cute pic of Kenni and our close friends baby boy… Now our God Son.
I can’t even with the sweetness of it!
We had our first IUI consultation on Wednesday! Finally!
I got the date and time correct this time, so yay!!!
It went well!
Kenni had an exam and we went through our options as far as IUI is concerned.
Kenni has no known fertility problems and we have been told that the fibroid shouldn’t be an issue so we’ve decided to go the non medicated route with a midwife first. So the goal is to monitor her ovulation for the next couple of months… Then once we establish a pattern we will, hopefully, do the first insemination around August during whatever week she’s most fertile. We’re going to try this for 2 cycles.
So fingers crossed.
We do realize that this route may take a little longer but that’s fine. It still matches up with our timeline so we’re good!
And, of course, we have a backup plan. C’mon… We wouldn’t be Kentoya if we didn’t!
So… Not only did we have the IUI consultation but we also went to a fertility seminar at this super fancy fertility clinic in Midtown Manhattan. It was super informative with seemingly really good doctors with really good advice. We took lots of notes, got to ask lots of questions and have an appointment for a consultation with them also. It’s complimentary because we attended the seminar so why not go see what the fancy place has to say. We had always planned on a second opinion and it helps that we get a $350 valued consult for free. (I’m kinda nervous we’re going to end up loving them and want to go to them if we need ivf… Then we have to figure out how to pay for it!!!!)
They’re going to give Kenni another exam including her fibroid and tell us what they think. Hopefully it matches up with everything we learned at the clinic we plan on using for iui.
The one we plan to use is lots less medicated, which is what we are looking for. We’re kind of natural girls at heart. Kenni doesn’t even like taking Advil, so the thought of injections… Well she would rather not if she can help it. We know this can totally be done without meds and that’s what we are hoping can happen for us. Only time will tell I guess. I’m learning that they’re are so many ways to do this and that every woman’s journey is completely different. It’s actually really encouraging!
But… If the 2 cycles of unmedicated iui end up being duds then… We’re on the road to IVF. No need to waste money and time on something that’s not working. And this will be the point where we switch clinics if we really like this new place when we go check them out.
I’m also thinking of doing my fertility workup now so that we have a super clear picture of what’s going to happen in the next few months. Just in case I’m needed to step up to the plate. We want all of our ducks in a row.
I know all of this sounds crazy complicated but we don’t have the luxury of amazing insurance that covers all of this… We’re paying mostly out of pocket so it makes things more complicated.
Ok… So that’s the update. Not super interesting, I know. But we’re on our way.
Now on to things I’ve been reading/thinking about…
I’ve just started reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility, and I’m mad that I’m just discovering this book! It has some really good, clear information in it about your menstrual cycle and ovulation.
We’re going to start charting Kenni’s cycle, temps and cervical fluid in an effort to see when she’s most fertile and this book helps SO much.
When I first read about charting, it seemed tedious and unnecessary but after reading only a little of the book I can see where that is so helpful! Especially when trying to conceive. Although this book is not just for those trying to conceive. I really do recommend it for every woman who is still menstruating.
Like…as in the non- gestational parent also breastfeeding.
Is a thing and I had NO clue.
I wasn’t even aware that you could produce enough breast milk to norish a baby if you haven’t given birth!
Mind completely blown!!!
Some adoptive mother’s have chosen to do it for their new baby’s. And it works.
Not without a lot of manipulation, some medications AND LOADS of patience but it can be done.
I don’t think it’s for us but I definitely understand why couples consider it.
There’s a bond that comes with breast feeding that you don’t have if you’re the non breast feeding parent. Not to mention that if you produce enough milk then you can help with all the feedings that need to happen.
I’ve read some beautiful stories of women who shared breastfeeding with their wife. Some for actual norishment and some just as a comfort to the baby. All say they were glad that they did it. It seems weird when you initially start to think of it. But the more I researched the more it see why couples consider it.
It’s definitely worth the research of you’re as fascinated by it as I am. I’ll probably do a more in depth post on this at some point. It really is interesting
But beware if you’re research includes YouTube.
When I was researching, I did come upon video of inducing lactation… Not for baby but… For your partner…
REALLY read the YouTube description before you click play on a video for it.
Not that it’s bad if that’s your thing. This is a judgement free zone. I just was expecting a mom describing her experience… The more more I watched the more I was like. OOPS wrong video!!!! *Facepalm emoji definitely needed right here*
** If this post is full of typos FORGIVE ME! Totally doing this on my way to the studio… Of course *shrugs*
So… Here’s a wifey selfie.
That’s all you’re gonna get from yesterday’s Dr. appointment.
Because I apparently can’t read and didn’t see that our appointment is NEXT Wednesday.
My wife is not the best organizer, so I write most of her appointments down in my calendar so that I can remind her. So, she took my word for it because… I’m never wrong *sideeye* and she didn’t catch it until we were getting ready yesterday. *Facepalm*
So… There is absolutely no update… Sigh.
I’m so ready to just get this process started already!!
We’ve been looking at donors and are trying to decide which cryobank we’re going to use if we decide to go anonymous donor…
We found a cryobank here in NYC that is looking like the winner. It’s definitely more along our financial lines because we can eliminate expensive shipping fees. The only drawback is there is little to choose from by way of black donors. But… We think we’ve found a donor that is pretty close to what we’re looking for, so that’s hopeful.
The other place we we’re considering has MANY more black donors but… With crazy shipping costs. One cycle could easily run up to over $2000 in just sperm costs. Which is fine if we get pregnant from 1 cycle… But… That’s (unfortunately) doubtful.
We could of course get rid of all of this if we just went with our known donor. Which we still may. We are just the types to exhaust every option before we make a decision.
Donor Sperm shopping is weird. And harder than I thought it would be.
I mean… You’re basically shopping for your future kid! Or the traits you want them to have. More than likely traits that are close to the non-gestational parent…
Like.. take us:
We want a donor who is artistically inclined, so we look for that in the bio (that we don’t know wether or not to trust but hey, it’s all we got to go from). What did he major in in school? Accounting??? Ummm sounds boring… But oh! He plays the piano!!!
This one is a liberal arts major who has an “entrepreneurial spirit”… Does that mean he’s currently unemployed?? Oh! But the bio says he looks like Idris Elba! *Sideeye*.
This is basically all the info you get… Along with eye and hair color, blood type, race, height and weight (which Kenni pays attention to. She’s got an irrational phobia of having to give birth to a really large baby as small as she is. This cracks me all the way up!) and a few other things depending on the bank.
Then… You pay a subscription fee that allows you a little more info, some pics and maybe audio.
Then its like… Out of the 6 men that you’ve favorited… Which one most likely fits what you would be looking for as “baby daddy” material??
Yes. It’s just as hard for us to decide as it sounds.
Luckily we have until fall to make a decision. Although, like I said, we are eyeing one donor in particular. And… He seems to have a lot of “inventory” so… More shots at conception and siblings. And by siblings I mean ONE other. We’re thinking 2 is the max for us.
I’m fine with having an only child. I grew up as an only child (I have an older sister but from the time I was around 6 on, I was the only kid in my household) and I’m fine… Ok… I may be a lil bossy and lil all about me… But hey, I’m also a Leo so… That’s neither here nor there.
Kenni doesn’t want a lonely child. But, again, I was an only child and never felt lonely. I think my creativity came from me being an only child. I had to make up stuff to do for myself… So again, I don’t see the problem but Kenni has her heart set on there being 4 of us so… If all goes as planned with her… it’ll be my turn!
So there you have it… Our (Lack of) Juju update.
There will be an update next week for sure… I’m making Kenni keep up with her own damn appointments from now on…
I never thought I wanted children.
When I was in high school I always thought to myself that… Toya+Kids=Nope. I was always open to teaching all the ballet to all the children but as far as having them myself… Nah.
When Kenni and I met and fell in love, kids were still a no go. We were young… REALLY young. I was 20 and she was 21. We were dancing. I was auditioning. All of our friends were single. We were going out. Drinking. Basically being normal kids ourselves, just as a couple. Kids were NOT happening.
Around late 20s Kenni started to bring up making our family of 2 a family of 3. I agreed, it’s only a natural progression right? But in my mind I was FREAKING out!!! There were so many things that would change if we had a baby.
Our freedom was first and foremost!
Like… If we want to just get up and go to the movies on a whim… We can do that. If we want to bust open a bottle of wine and sing 90s r&b at the top of our lungs until 4am… We can. If we just don’t feel like getting out of bed for an entire day (and I mean an entire day)… We don’t.
I wasn’t really ready to let that stuff go. Having kids seemed stressful. Crying kids, diaper bags, strollers. Like… You’re responsible for an actual, living, breathing being that is not a dog!!! At least with our furbaby we can just leave him at home alone and he’ll be fine. He’s always pissed… But he’s good. Not so much with a baby.
So. Basically I agreed with my wife but inside was still like… Nope… Not because I didn’t want them… Now I did… But still didn’t feel ready. And I couldn’t SEE kids for us. I guess all the dance has made me a visual person. If I can’t TRULY envision it… Then I can’t do it. I’m still that way.
But something changed by the time I was 30. I guess Kenni and I had been together so long and were so in love that I knew like I knew that this was really a forever love. I started to let myself be able to look really far into the future and slowly started to be able to envision our family growing.
We’ve been throwing the idea around for the past 5 years. Yes… 5 years.
Like I said in a previous post, just the fact that there’s so much planning involved made us procrastinate! The being able to plan is a luxury and a curse. Luxury because there won’t be a freak out, panic moment since we know what our game plan is… Curse because… Well… That means we can take our time… But for Kenni and me that means procrastination.
People kept asking… And we were like “Soon!”. Everyone… And I do mean EVERYONE was asking at one point!!!
It was always something that was happening in the future…
Now… Hopefully… If it’s in God’s plan… It’ll be happening in the near future.
But I’m saying all this to say…
That I’m scared.
Not of having Juju. I know like I know my love for my wife that Juju is someone I can’t wait to meet.
But now that I’ve allowed myself to want Juju… I’m scared of wanting her/him TOO much.
This journey is different for everyone. We’ve known some couples that took years to get pregnant. Then we’ve known couples that almost as soon as they started insemination… Got pregnant.
I don’t want to want this so badly that I jinx it for us. Or… I don’t want to want it so badly that if it doesn’t happen that I’m heartbroken.
I don’t know…
Maybe everyone who goes through the TTC journey has the same fears.
Maybe I just need to chill.
Ok… Talking myself through this now…
I know I need to chill.
We haven’t even started iui yet…and won’t be until the fall. Maybe I’m thinking waaaay too far ahead.
My need to be in control of everything, obvi, needs to go. This is going to be my biggest challenge. Letting go.
Ok. Now that that’s off my mind.
We have our iui consultation coming up on Tuesday. Yeah. It was supposed to be today but had to postpone. I’m excited for this because we can get a little of our (and when I say our I mean my) questions answered.
We are still back and forth between known donor and anonymous. I feel like once we have the iui consultation we can make a better, more informed choice on this. But I want to make a solid decision soon since there’s so much that goes into a known donor… i.e. legal documents and all that sexy stuff.
Everything will start rolling soon. I just need to remember to breathe, relax, visualize and not obsess.
Don’t obsess. Don’t obsess.
Breathe and let it happen. Breathe and allow it to happen.
Love and light…
I’ve never talked about sperm so much in my life.
As a badge wearing “Gold Star Lesbian” (meaning I’ve never had sex with a guy… Ever. And I’m just kidding, we don’t have badges, but how dope would that be?? *Insert crying laughing emoji), sperm has never been my go- to conversation ice breaker.
But as we start solidifing components of our TTC journey, EVERYONE is asking…
Most of our straight friends are intrigued by the whole concept of donor sperm and have soooo many questions.
Are we using a sperm bank? Are we looking for a black donor? Do we want someone who looks a little like whoever’s not carrying so that the baby looks like both of us? Are using a friend’s sperm?
And my personal favorite…
“So, how are you going to do this??? Are you going to have sex with a man? It’s the easiest way!!!”
Yup… Was definitely asked that… We laughed it off and were like “Ummmm… Hell to the naw!”, but yes… We’ve gotten some unique questions.
Each and every person has meant well and all want to see us successful at this whole Jujubee thing but… Let’s think about these questions before we ask them, shall we people?
So here is where we are on the donor tip…
We have been looking into and toying with the idea of using a known donor. We have 2 friends who definitely want to “help” us out. Both we’ve known for a really long time so it’s not completely off the table. There are just a few issues that concern us.
The first is the legalities behind the whole thing. We definitely know that one of the guys would want to be like D-A-D and we’re not too into the idea of having to get third party input on our parenting decisions.
So for him… Well we haven’t brought it up to him again yet. Not because we are putting in a hard no… But because we’re not sure how we feel and how to go about bring up the subject.
What do you say??
“Yeah, we want your sperm but you’re going to be more of an uncle figure than a daddy… Sorry, homie.”
Ugh. That’s awkward. Yes. I know, I know… We’re not going to say it like that but… Sigh..
The other thing is all the testing and time. I’ve done some (very) preliminary research and known donor sperm has to have a 6 month quarentine period, which pushes back our ideal time period to start iui. Not to mention the cost of all the testing and legal paperwork! It could end up being more than sperm from a bank!
So we’re leaning towards using a sperm bank. That way everything is already done and there should be no medical surprises or anything.
We’ve opened accounts at a couple of different cryo banks and have been window shopping a bit.
One is a little less expensive than the other but has only 4 black donors. Yes… I counted. Looks like black men ain’t trynna give up the stuff for some reason!!! *Shrugs* (And that’s totally a joke… I don’t know the reason but the reality is that there’s not as many black donors as other races) Probably because of that… All of them have really low inventory. So that one is more than likely out.
The other is more expensive (like by a few hundred dollars) but definitely has more melanin men to choose from. We’ve already favorited some. We need to make the leap and pay for the packages so that we can see photos and all.
More than likely we’ll be going with this one.
Bit this is one thing I never really thought about.
That since both Kenni and I are black, that when it came sperm donor time… It may be hard to find melaninated sperm.
We, like I’ve said before, are totally open to a non brown donor so we’re not too annoyed, but if it mattered a hell of a lot to us, I would be a lil discouraged and a lil stressed out to be honest. A black donor is ideal for us but not a deal breaker. So we’ll see what happens.
We’ll be narrowing everything down in the next month or so.
Sigh… So I guess the sperm convo will continue. Be expecting more posts about it!
A lil update on where we are so far…
In the same damn place.
The midwifery clinic we’ve chosen doesn’t have any openings for the next 2 weeks for Kenni’s exam and our iui counseling. And we’ve been told that if we go with them for iui (which we are) that we can’t start insemination until the fall (apparently they’re popular with Brooklyn lezzies)… around the end of September, the beginning of October. Which I guess is fine. We’ve waited this long… what’s 4 more months???
So while we wait, we prepare.
I’ve been googling EVERYTHING about this process. About how to make it easier and what, if anything, we can do to prep Kenni’s body (mine too, since I’m our backup plan) to be able to take the iui successfully.
Being the control freak that I am, I need to feel that we are in charge of SOMETHING. That in this journey, that at the end of the day is completely out of our hands, that there is something… ANYTHING we can do to help the process. Even a little bit.
Stop #1… Our diets
Well… I think we eat pretty damn good. Or at least I thought we did, until I started looking up things that help fertility and things that hurt. Which, don’t start researching unless you want to feel like a shit person and like your fertility has to also be shit because apparently you don’t make good choices like you thought you did.
I mean, we eat (mostly) organic, we’ve cut a lot of our meat except for the occasional chicken wings. We keep organic veggies and fruit in the fridge and actually eat it… That stuff is expensive so we make sure it gets used. I make green smoothies most mornings… So, we’re good, right???
If we want to optimize fertility… Then nope.
Here are a list of things we’re supposed to be doing to help Jujubee push through.
- Eat only organic fruits and veggies -This is so that you avoid pesticides and nasty stuff you should really already be avoiding. We can check this one off!! Already done.
- Eat only grass-fed and organic meat -OOOHHH look!! We can check this one off too! As everyone in 2018 should know, conventionally raised cattle have all sorts of hormones, antibiotics and chemicals injected into them. You should be avoiding that mess anyway.
- Only eat free range and organic chicken- Again… CHECK!! And we’ve actually slacked on chicken anyway after watching What The Health? on Netflix. I couldn’t, in good conscience continue to regularly eat the stuff. If you haven’t seen it, I would tell you to go watch it, but I PROMISE you won’t want to eat anything… ever again. So… Next is where things get a little like… Ummmmm??
- ELIMINATE sugar- ???????????? *insert blank face emoji* Whaaat??? All sugar??? Yes… ALL SUGAR that’s not from fruit and stuff. So no Sugar, sweeteners… including honey and agave. That means… NO BAKING for me!!! That’s my stress reliever so I don’t know how I’m going to deal!!!! Maybe I can bake and just give the stuff away. I HAVE to bake…
- ELIMINATE caffeine *dies inside a lil* If you know me personally, and see me on a daily basis, you hardly ever see me without a cup of coffee in my hand! Especially on a long day of ballet teaching… sigh… That one may have to go to REDUCE caffeine for me.
- ELIMINATE or greatly reduce dairy- Supposedly it is linked to poor egg quality. A definite NO NO. This one is going to be hard for Kenni. Even being lactose intolerant hasn’t stopped this girl from eating whole pints of ice cream in a sitting or pouring cups and cups of milk on her cereal. Well… If we’re cutting sugar, that cuts all of that out anyway so…
- ELIMINATE soy, processed food, white carbohydrates (bread, pasta, rice etc), alcohol and anything with trans fats- Ok… this should be doable but… You know how much that eliminates… totally going to take some practice.
- ADD LOADS of seaweed, whole grains, olive oil, avocado, seeds, beans and nuts- THAT we can do
One website I read even said to eliminate anything COLD (as in beverages) and cold raw veggies. Apparently you want to keep the uterus nice, warm and inviting for baby… I don’t know if this is a real thing but I’m willing to try. It sounds kinda hippyesque but it can’t hurt anything so why not.
All of these things seem MOSTLY doable and we’re going to give it a good go for it. It really just looks like a healthier diet in general so if nothing else hopefully we will have perfect skin and energy to spare.
Step #2 is to try to get rid of MOST toxins.
That means paraben free, plastics free, sulfate free and fragrance free. Even switching to all natural feminine hygine products. I’ve always known about the crap they put in them but when you research it, you get cramps just thinking about it!!! Diva Cup anyone?
Is it overboard… prob… Can we commit…prob not… But I feel like doing even some of this will help.
I don’t know. I just reaaaally feel the need to be in charge of something!!! And if something as simple as overhauling our diet and a few small changes in the products we use, helps our Jujubee, then it’s all worth it.
Anyway… it’s not forever right?? Once we have Juju in her 90s themed bedroom I can get back to my coffee breaks… Right???