Choosing a Baby Daddy/ Donor Sperm Dilemma

Sperm.

I’ve never talked about sperm so much in my life.

As a badge wearing “Gold Star Lesbian” (meaning I’ve never had sex with a guy… Ever. And I’m just kidding, we don’t have badges, but how dope would that be?? *Insert crying laughing emoji), sperm has never been my go- to conversation ice breaker.

But as we start solidifing components of our TTC journey, EVERYONE is asking…

Most of our straight friends are intrigued by the whole concept of donor sperm and have soooo many questions.

Are we using a sperm bank? Are we looking for a black donor? Do we want someone who looks a little like whoever’s not carrying so that the baby looks like both of us? Are using a friend’s sperm?

And my personal favorite…

“So, how are you going to do this??? Are you going to have sex with a man? It’s the easiest way!!!”

Yup… Was definitely asked that… We laughed it off and were like “Ummmm… Hell to the naw!”, but yes… We’ve gotten some unique questions.

Each and every person has meant well and all want to see us successful at this whole Jujubee thing but… Let’s think about these questions before we ask them, shall we people?

So here is where we are on the donor tip…

We have been looking into and toying with the idea of using a known donor. We have 2 friends who definitely want to “help” us out. Both we’ve known for a really long time so it’s not completely off the table. There are just a few issues that concern us.

The first is the legalities behind the whole thing. We definitely know that one of the guys would want to be like D-A-D and we’re not too into the idea of having to get third party input on our parenting decisions.

So for him… Well we haven’t brought it up to him again yet. Not because we are putting in a hard no… But because we’re not sure how we feel and how to go about bring up the subject.

What do you say??

“Yeah, we want your sperm but you’re going to be more of an uncle figure than a daddy… Sorry, homie.”

Ugh. That’s awkward. Yes. I know, I know… We’re not going to say it like that but… Sigh..

The other thing is all the testing and time. I’ve done some (very) preliminary research and known donor sperm has to have a 6 month quarentine period, which pushes back our ideal time period to start iui. Not to mention the cost of all the testing and legal paperwork! It could end up being more than sperm from a bank!

So we’re leaning towards using a sperm bank. That way everything is already done and there should be no medical surprises or anything.

We’ve opened accounts at a couple of different cryo banks and have been window shopping a bit.

One is a little less expensive than the other but has only 4 black donors. Yes… I counted. Looks like black men ain’t trynna give up the stuff for some reason!!! *Shrugs* (And that’s totally a joke… I don’t know the reason but the reality is that there’s not as many black donors as other races) Probably because of that… All of them have really low inventory. So that one is more than likely out.

The other is more expensive (like by a few hundred dollars) but definitely has more melanin men to choose from. We’ve already favorited some. We need to make the leap and pay for the packages so that we can see photos and all.

More than likely we’ll be going with this one.

Bit this is one thing I never really thought about.

That since both Kenni and I are black, that when it came sperm donor time… It may be hard to find melaninated sperm.

We, like I’ve said before, are totally open to a non brown donor so we’re not too annoyed, but if it mattered a hell of a lot to us, I would be a lil discouraged and a lil stressed out to be honest. A black donor is ideal for us but not a deal breaker. So we’ll see what happens.

We’ll be narrowing everything down in the next month or so.

Sigh… So I guess the sperm convo will continue. Be expecting more posts about it!

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8 thoughts on “Choosing a Baby Daddy/ Donor Sperm Dilemma

  1. Totally generalizing black men right now. But most are too busy having regular baby mommas that they don’t have time to go to a sperm bank.

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    1. Haaaa! Maybe that’s true. I think most don’t think of it. And to be fair… The process is a lot longer and complicated then just making a deposit and bouncing… It takes almost a 6 month commitment on his part!!

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    1. So this is where it gets tedious and a little confusing.
      Long story short… Yes, we can do that using our friend as a known donor… IF we want to do it on our own at home (turkey baster method). Then all of that is left up to us and how much we trust our donor.
      If we want/need a medically assisted iui then the fertility clinic MUST do all of the testing and that’s where the 6 months quarantine comes in… I also read there’s a pysch evaluation. Although I’m not certain that’s for every state.
      BUT apparently if we were straight , then we could go in with our husband and not do all the testing… Again, not sure that’s every state but that’s what I’ve read so far. When we have our iui consultation next week it will clarify some things for us and I’ll get back to you!

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      1. Hey there! I just found your blog, and figured I’d interject with some of the stuff I’ve found out so far on our journey. We’re in Nevada, so it may just be because we’re in a different state, but our fertility clinic is letting us waive the quarantine period for our known donor. He’s already taken STI tests within the last couple of months, and they’ll test again when we fly him in (he lives in another state) to make his deposits. They also let him get the semen analysis in New York, where he lives, and then fax in the results.
        I think the craziest thing for me, is that according to our donor contract, once he hands off his deposits to the doctor, we will officially own sperm. I never in my life thought I’d be saying that! hahaha

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      2. Yeah! It seems like it might just be about finding the right clinic or doctor to work with you on it, because I don’t think the other fertility clinic we’ve got near us allows it.

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