I never thought I wanted children.
When I was in high school I always thought to myself that… Toya+Kids=Nope. I was always open to teaching all the ballet to all the children but as far as having them myself… Nah.
When Kenni and I met and fell in love, kids were still a no go. We were young… REALLY young. I was 20 and she was 21. We were dancing. I was auditioning. All of our friends were single. We were going out. Drinking. Basically being normal kids ourselves, just as a couple. Kids were NOT happening.
Around late 20s Kenni started to bring up making our family of 2 a family of 3. I agreed, it’s only a natural progression right? But in my mind I was FREAKING out!!! There were so many things that would change if we had a baby.
Our freedom was first and foremost!
Like… If we want to just get up and go to the movies on a whim… We can do that. If we want to bust open a bottle of wine and sing 90s r&b at the top of our lungs until 4am… We can. If we just don’t feel like getting out of bed for an entire day (and I mean an entire day)… We don’t.
I wasn’t really ready to let that stuff go. Having kids seemed stressful. Crying kids, diaper bags, strollers. Like… You’re responsible for an actual, living, breathing being that is not a dog!!! At least with our furbaby we can just leave him at home alone and he’ll be fine. He’s always pissed… But he’s good. Not so much with a baby.
So. Basically I agreed with my wife but inside was still like… Nope… Not because I didn’t want them… Now I did… But still didn’t feel ready. And I couldn’t SEE kids for us. I guess all the dance has made me a visual person. If I can’t TRULY envision it… Then I can’t do it. I’m still that way.
But something changed by the time I was 30. I guess Kenni and I had been together so long and were so in love that I knew like I knew that this was really a forever love. I started to let myself be able to look really far into the future and slowly started to be able to envision our family growing.
We’ve been throwing the idea around for the past 5 years. Yes… 5 years.
Like I said in a previous post, just the fact that there’s so much planning involved made us procrastinate! The being able to plan is a luxury and a curse. Luxury because there won’t be a freak out, panic moment since we know what our game plan is… Curse because… Well… That means we can take our time… But for Kenni and me that means procrastination.
People kept asking… And we were like “Soon!”. Everyone… And I do mean EVERYONE was asking at one point!!!
It was always something that was happening in the future…
Now… Hopefully… If it’s in God’s plan… It’ll be happening in the near future.
But I’m saying all this to say…
That I’m scared.
Not of having Juju. I know like I know my love for my wife that Juju is someone I can’t wait to meet.
But now that I’ve allowed myself to want Juju… I’m scared of wanting her/him TOO much.
This journey is different for everyone. We’ve known some couples that took years to get pregnant. Then we’ve known couples that almost as soon as they started insemination… Got pregnant.
I don’t want to want this so badly that I jinx it for us. Or… I don’t want to want it so badly that if it doesn’t happen that I’m heartbroken.
I don’t know…
Maybe everyone who goes through the TTC journey has the same fears.
Maybe I just need to chill.
Ok… Talking myself through this now…
I know I need to chill.
We haven’t even started iui yet…and won’t be until the fall. Maybe I’m thinking waaaay too far ahead.
My need to be in control of everything, obvi, needs to go. This is going to be my biggest challenge. Letting go.
Ok. Now that that’s off my mind.
We have our iui consultation coming up on Tuesday. Yeah. It was supposed to be today but had to postpone. I’m excited for this because we can get a little of our (and when I say our I mean my) questions answered.
We are still back and forth between known donor and anonymous. I feel like once we have the iui consultation we can make a better, more informed choice on this. But I want to make a solid decision soon since there’s so much that goes into a known donor… i.e. legal documents and all that sexy stuff.
Everything will start rolling soon. I just need to remember to breathe, relax, visualize and not obsess.
Don’t obsess. Don’t obsess.
Breathe and let it happen. Breathe and allow it to happen.
Love and light…