Random Ramblings on a Friday…

I never thought I wanted children.

Like ever.

When I was in high school I always thought to myself that… Toya+Kids=Nope. I was always open to teaching all the ballet to all the children but as far as having them myself… Nah.

When Kenni and I met and fell in love, kids were still a no go. We were young… REALLY young. I was 20 and she was 21. We were dancing. I was auditioning. All of our friends were single. We were going out. Drinking. Basically being normal kids ourselves, just as a couple. Kids were NOT happening.

Around late 20s Kenni started to bring up making our family of 2 a family of 3. I agreed, it’s only a natural progression right? But in my mind I was FREAKING out!!! There were so many things that would change if we had a baby.

Our freedom was first and foremost!

Like… If we want to just get up and go to the movies on a whim… We can do that. If we want to bust open a bottle of wine and sing 90s r&b at the top of our lungs until 4am… We can. If we just don’t feel like getting out of bed for an entire day (and I mean an entire day)… We don’t.

I wasn’t really ready to let that stuff go. Having kids seemed stressful. Crying kids, diaper bags, strollers. Like… You’re responsible for an actual, living, breathing being that is not a dog!!! At least with our furbaby we can just leave him at home alone and he’ll be fine. He’s always pissed… But he’s good. Not so much with a baby.

So. Basically I agreed with my wife but inside was still like… Nope… Not because I didn’t want them… Now I did… But still didn’t feel ready. And I couldn’t SEE kids for us. I guess all the dance has made me a visual person. If I can’t TRULY envision it… Then I can’t do it. I’m still that way.

But something changed by the time I was 30. I guess Kenni and I had been together so long and were so in love that I knew like I knew that this was really a forever love. I started to let myself be able to look really far into the future and slowly started to be able to envision our family growing.

We’ve been throwing the idea around for the past 5 years. Yes… 5 years.

Like I said in a previous post, just the fact that there’s so much planning involved made us procrastinate! The being able to plan is a luxury and a curse. Luxury because there won’t be a freak out, panic moment since we know what our game plan is… Curse because… Well… That means we can take our time… But for Kenni and me that means procrastination.

People kept asking… And we were like “Soon!”. Everyone… And I do mean EVERYONE was asking at one point!!!

It was always something that was happening in the future…

Now… Hopefully… If it’s in God’s plan… It’ll be happening in the near future.

I’m rambling.

But I’m saying all this to say…

That I’m scared.

Not of having Juju. I know like I know my love for my wife that Juju is someone I can’t wait to meet.

But now that I’ve allowed myself to want Juju… I’m scared of wanting her/him TOO much.

This journey is different for everyone. We’ve known some couples that took years to get pregnant. Then we’ve known couples that almost as soon as they started insemination… Got pregnant.

I don’t want to want this so badly that I jinx it for us. Or… I don’t want to want it so badly that if it doesn’t happen that I’m heartbroken.

I don’t know…

Maybe everyone who goes through the TTC journey has the same fears.

Maybe I just need to chill.

Ok… Talking myself through this now…

I know I need to chill.

We haven’t even started iui yet…and won’t be until the fall. Maybe I’m thinking waaaay too far ahead.

My need to be in control of everything, obvi, needs to go. This is going to be my biggest challenge. Letting go.

Ok. Now that that’s off my mind.


We have our iui consultation coming up on Tuesday. Yeah. It was supposed to be today but had to postpone. I’m excited for this because we can get a little of our (and when I say our I mean my) questions answered.

We are still back and forth between known donor and anonymous. I feel like once we have the iui consultation we can make a better, more informed choice on this. But I want to make a solid decision soon since there’s so much that goes into a known donor… i.e. legal documents and all that sexy stuff.

Everything will start rolling soon. I just need to remember to breathe, relax, visualize and not obsess.

Don’t obsess. Don’t obsess.

Breathe and let it happen. Breathe and allow it to happen.


Love and light…

Choosing a Baby Daddy/ Donor Sperm Dilemma


I’ve never talked about sperm so much in my life.

As a badge wearing “Gold Star Lesbian” (meaning I’ve never had sex with a guy… Ever. And I’m just kidding, we don’t have badges, but how dope would that be?? *Insert crying laughing emoji), sperm has never been my go- to conversation ice breaker.

But as we start solidifing components of our TTC journey, EVERYONE is asking…

Most of our straight friends are intrigued by the whole concept of donor sperm and have soooo many questions.

Are we using a sperm bank? Are we looking for a black donor? Do we want someone who looks a little like whoever’s not carrying so that the baby looks like both of us? Are using a friend’s sperm?

And my personal favorite…

“So, how are you going to do this??? Are you going to have sex with a man? It’s the easiest way!!!”

Yup… Was definitely asked that… We laughed it off and were like “Ummmm… Hell to the naw!”, but yes… We’ve gotten some unique questions.

Each and every person has meant well and all want to see us successful at this whole Jujubee thing but… Let’s think about these questions before we ask them, shall we people?

So here is where we are on the donor tip…

We have been looking into and toying with the idea of using a known donor. We have 2 friends who definitely want to “help” us out. Both we’ve known for a really long time so it’s not completely off the table. There are just a few issues that concern us.

The first is the legalities behind the whole thing. We definitely know that one of the guys would want to be like D-A-D and we’re not too into the idea of having to get third party input on our parenting decisions.

So for him… Well we haven’t brought it up to him again yet. Not because we are putting in a hard no… But because we’re not sure how we feel and how to go about bring up the subject.

What do you say??

“Yeah, we want your sperm but you’re going to be more of an uncle figure than a daddy… Sorry, homie.”

Ugh. That’s awkward. Yes. I know, I know… We’re not going to say it like that but… Sigh..

The other thing is all the testing and time. I’ve done some (very) preliminary research and known donor sperm has to have a 6 month quarentine period, which pushes back our ideal time period to start iui. Not to mention the cost of all the testing and legal paperwork! It could end up being more than sperm from a bank!

So we’re leaning towards using a sperm bank. That way everything is already done and there should be no medical surprises or anything.

We’ve opened accounts at a couple of different cryo banks and have been window shopping a bit.

One is a little less expensive than the other but has only 4 black donors. Yes… I counted. Looks like black men ain’t trynna give up the stuff for some reason!!! *Shrugs* (And that’s totally a joke… I don’t know the reason but the reality is that there’s not as many black donors as other races) Probably because of that… All of them have really low inventory. So that one is more than likely out.

The other is more expensive (like by a few hundred dollars) but definitely has more melanin men to choose from. We’ve already favorited some. We need to make the leap and pay for the packages so that we can see photos and all.

More than likely we’ll be going with this one.

Bit this is one thing I never really thought about.

That since both Kenni and I are black, that when it came sperm donor time… It may be hard to find melaninated sperm.

We, like I’ve said before, are totally open to a non brown donor so we’re not too annoyed, but if it mattered a hell of a lot to us, I would be a lil discouraged and a lil stressed out to be honest. A black donor is ideal for us but not a deal breaker. So we’ll see what happens.

We’ll be narrowing everything down in the next month or so.

Sigh… So I guess the sperm convo will continue. Be expecting more posts about it!

A Diet For Jujubee: Also Known as Fertility Dieting


A lil update on where we are so far…

In the same damn place.

The midwifery clinic we’ve chosen doesn’t have any openings for the next 2 weeks for Kenni’s exam and our iui counseling. And we’ve been told that if we go with them for iui (which we are) that we can’t start insemination until the fall (apparently they’re popular with Brooklyn lezzies)… around the end of September, the beginning of October. Which I guess is fine. We’ve waited this long… what’s 4 more months???

So while we wait, we prepare.

I’ve been googling EVERYTHING about this process. About how to make it easier and what, if anything, we can do to prep Kenni’s body (mine too, since I’m our backup plan) to be able to take the iui successfully.

Being the control freak that I am, I need to feel that we are in charge of SOMETHING. That in this journey, that at the end of the day is completely out of our hands, that there is something… ANYTHING we can do to help the process. Even a little bit.

Stop #1… Our diets

Well… I think we eat pretty damn good. Or at least I thought we did, until I started looking up things that help fertility and things that hurt. Which, don’t start researching unless you want to feel like a shit person and like your fertility has to also be shit because apparently you don’t make good choices like you thought you did.

I mean, we eat (mostly) organic, we’ve cut a lot of our meat except for the occasional chicken wings. We keep organic veggies and fruit in the fridge and actually eat it… That stuff is expensive so we make sure it gets used. I make green smoothies most mornings… So, we’re good, right???

Ummmm… Wellllll…

If we want to optimize fertility… Then nope.

Here are a list of things we’re supposed to be doing to help Jujubee push through.

  1. Eat only organic fruits and veggies -This is so that you avoid pesticides and nasty stuff you should really already be avoiding.  We can check this one off!! Already done.
  2. Eat only grass-fed and organic meat -OOOHHH look!! We can check this one off too! As everyone in 2018 should know, conventionally raised cattle have all sorts of hormones, antibiotics and chemicals injected into them. You should be avoiding that mess anyway.
  3. Only eat free range and organic chicken- Again… CHECK!! And we’ve actually slacked on chicken anyway after watching What The Health? on Netflix. I couldn’t, in good conscience continue to regularly eat the stuff. If you haven’t seen it, I would tell you to go watch it, but I PROMISE you won’t want to eat anything… ever again. So… Next is where things get a little like… Ummmmm??
  4. ELIMINATE sugar- ???????????? *insert blank face emoji* Whaaat??? All sugar??? Yes… ALL SUGAR that’s not from fruit and stuff. So no Sugar,  sweeteners… including honey and agave. That means… NO BAKING for me!!! That’s my stress reliever so I don’t know how I’m going to deal!!!! Maybe I can bake and just give the stuff away. I HAVE to bake…
  5.  ELIMINATE caffeine *dies inside a lil* If you know me personally, and see me on a daily basis, you hardly ever see me without a cup of coffee in my hand! Especially on a long day of ballet teaching… sigh…  That one may have to go to REDUCE caffeine for me.
  6. ELIMINATE or greatly reduce dairy-  Supposedly it is linked to poor egg quality. A definite NO NO. This one is going to be hard for Kenni. Even being lactose intolerant hasn’t stopped this girl from eating whole pints of ice cream in a sitting or pouring cups and cups of milk on her cereal. Well… If we’re cutting sugar, that cuts all of that out anyway so…
  7. ELIMINATE soy, processed food, white carbohydrates (bread, pasta, rice etc), alcohol and anything with trans fats- Ok… this should be doable but… You know how much that eliminates… totally going to take some practice.
  8. ADD LOADS of seaweed, whole grains, olive oil, avocado, seeds, beans and nuts- THAT we can do

One website I read even said to eliminate anything COLD (as in beverages) and cold raw veggies. Apparently you want to keep the uterus nice, warm and inviting for baby… I don’t know if this is a real thing but I’m willing to try. It sounds kinda hippyesque but it can’t hurt anything so why not.

All of these things seem MOSTLY doable and we’re going to give it a good go for it. It really just looks like a healthier diet in general so if nothing else hopefully we will have perfect skin and energy to spare.

Step #2 is to try to get rid of MOST toxins.

That means paraben free, plastics free, sulfate free and fragrance free. Even switching to all natural feminine hygine products. I’ve always known about the crap they put in them but when you research it, you get cramps just thinking about it!!! Diva Cup anyone?

Is it overboard… prob… Can we commit…prob not… But I feel like doing even some of this will help.

I don’t know. I just reaaaally feel the need to be in charge of something!!! And if something as simple as overhauling our diet and a few small changes in the products we use, helps our Jujubee, then it’s all worth it.

Anyway… it’s not forever right?? Once we have Juju in her 90s themed bedroom I can get back to my coffee breaks… Right???

Putting Ourselves on Blast?? Why Not?

As I write this, I’m on the subway, commuting to 1 of the 2 dance studios I teach for.

I just finished going through all of the messages of support we received via Facebook and text messages and we are overwhelmed and completely blessed. We’ve always known that we have a village of people who love us but now we know we also have a village of people who will love Jujubee just as much… Or maybe more.

As I was reading I had a thought. Well 2… My first was… Ummmm we needa car… Asap… Like… I’m not sure either one of us is going to be wanting to ride on a pissy smelling subway while preggers. Like… Hell nah…

The other (and most important and less random) thought was…

Kenni and I both have coupled friends who have gone through TTC the same way we’re going about it… Just quieter. Most we knew about but each couple decided to keep it a secret until they had already gotten pregnant.

We seem to be going about this a lil differently. Which, if you know us well, tends to be how we do things.

So… Why put our lives completely on blast about something that is so deeply personal and is mostly out of our control?

Attention whores???

Ha! I guess that’s debatable but… Again if you know us well, you know that is FAR from the truth. Most things we deal with as a couple. Except for a few (and I mean a few… We’re talking like 5 people and our family) super close friends, we don’t really tell many people anything about our lives in detail… A lot of our moves we make quietly, although you wouldn’t know it if you follow my social media. If it’s funny enough it’s GOING to get posted to social media. Our lil daily antedotes ALWAYS get posted. Somethings are just too ridiculous to keep to yourself!! Especially in our household…. For reals.

Nah. Attention seeking is not how we roll… But one of the main reasons we decided to let everyone in on what’s going on is because we’ve been together soooooo long, and everyone we know, in their own little way has asked, and apparently LOTS of people are invested in our relationship that we thought it was only right to share!!!

We have so many people who have been rooting for us since the beginning and so we want them to be apart of this ride.


I’ve been obsessed with baby blogs for the last month or so. In particular, LGBT baby/ parenting blogs. They are all so cute and so informative and many, very emotional as they go through the process. But what I surprisingly found missing was blogs with women of color. There are HUNDREDS of baby blogs with non brown couples… But almost none with black folks. I every now and then run upon an interracial couple and get SUPER excited and immediately book mark the website. But I think I’ve only found 2 blogs where the couple was gay and both parents were black.

Not that color matters. It doesn’t. I mean… My family… It’s literally a beautiful rainbow of ethnicities. We could be an ad campaign for what an inclusive modern family looks like. And one of the donors we’re considering is white… So.. we obvi we don’t give a poop emoji about that…

But sometimes it’s just good to know that someone who looks a little like you is going through what you’re going through. Representation matters. For everyone.

And… Almost NONE of the couple’s in these blogs are our age!!! Like… They’re almost all in their 20s and if they are 30s they are early 30s and prob started this whole thing years ago. Apparently we’re getting old in baby making years… We kinda knew it… We just didn’t want to admit it. So shout out to all the mid 30s and older ladies TTC (Trying to conceive) WE GOT Y’ALL!!! We gon’ be out here reppin for y’all!! Are our eggs all dried up????? NO!!! Are our uteruses all saggy, baggy and out of commission??? HELL NO!! Or… Oh Gawd I hope not!!!! Damn… we should have done this sooner… sigh…


Another reason we decided to go public (see I love to imagine we’re a celeb couple… too much pop culture news) is I love to write down my thoughts. I feel like when you put things in writing that you’re putting your wish/prayer out there to the universe/God. Once it’s out there, if you’re doing your part… It’s bound to happen one way or another.

Anything I want with all of my heart, I write it down.

That’s what this is.

So yes… We’re probably oversharing but it has a purpose. Maybe someone will read this and it’ll help… Or at least make them smile a little.

Or maybe this is just for me, Kenni and the people who want to see us win… Either way, I have every intention of posting until we get a Jujubee… So keep reading if you want to see what it’s like for 2, 30 something lesbians , who still think they’re 20 something and sometimes live like it’s 1997, make a baby.

*Shrug emoji*

Doctor’s Appointment on Deck

So… first post…

And first real day of planning Jujubee (that’s what we’ve chosen for a nickname, its so…us)…

We are in the VERY beginning stages of this whole thing. We have decided that since Kenni is a year older and has a rough history with her periods that she would try conceiving first. She has been in touch with a midwifery clinic here in Brooklyn to #1 get a well woman appointment to make sure the equipment is working how it should be. She has fibroids that landed her in the hospital 2 years ago, so we just have to cover all our basis. If, God forbid, the fibroids are going to make things go a little slower for her, then I’ll step up to the plate to be Jujubee’s home for 9 months.

#2 To have our first IUI consultation to see what the exact process is and basically scare us and have us anxiety ridden until we actually have a Jujubee safe in our arms.

This has been a LONG time coming. After 16 years together, (I was 20 when we met, she was 21) we’ve put this off for years. Why? Fear.

Not fear of having a baby, we have always known that we wanted to raise a family together. We always speak of our future little one and we’ve discussed how we want to raise him/her. But yet, we were both scared.

In our 20s it was being scared of giving up the life we had already created together. We went out a lot. Drank… A lot… Kenni smoked a lil of the green stuff and we lived like typical 20 somethings living in NYC… just together.

In our 30s the fear comes from not feeling like we have our shit together enough. Like, we still feel like kids. We have an apartment, pay bills, go to work, eat organic, the drinking is VERY minimal (a bad night of Fireball made that cease), the smoking is COMPLETELY non existant and a lit night now is ordering sushi and watching 3 or 4 90s movies in a row before passing out with the Buddy (our 4 year old chihuahua/husky mix) between us. So we are pretty good 30 somethings. But are we together enough to take care of another human being???

We just felt like things weren’t perfect enough.

You see, the blessing and the curse of being lgbt, being married and starting a family is that you can plan EVERYTHING out. You HAVE to plan EVERYTHING. From when you start, to who provides sperm (or eggs), who is going to carry… Most of the preliminary stuff to get started having a baby is in your hands. It’s not like your most straight friends who just up and one day are pregnant.

A control freak like me’s safe place…

or is it?

In my control freaky mind, everything has to be perfect. Our life had to already be perfect. We have to have a house that resembles Stef and Lena from The Fosters or we have to be making as much money as Bette and Tina from L Word (really, maybe I need to just lay off the lesbian television).

But really, none of that matters I guess. Sure we would love to be more financially blessed… who wouldn’t, and we would love to have a huge home with the kids’ art work everywhere… but we live in Brooklyn so the huge home is more of an apartment… but we can still have the kids’ artwork everywhere.

Point is… nothing is going to be perfect. But we have to trust that the life we have created is perfect for us and the love that we have for one another is perfect. And that the love we have for and going to give Jujubee is perfect. Living and leading through love is something Kenni and I strive for everyday of our lives. We try not to act on or say anything that is not from love. So… That’s how we are going to approach this. Through love and faith.

So… Kenni’s doctors appointment is still pending but will probably be next week or the week after. Just waiting on confirmation from the midwife. For now I’ll just keep reading lesbian parenting blogs and researching iui’s and ivf and everything needed for lesbian baby making.

This feels right. For the first time… things feel right…

OH! P.S. I just realized while proof reading this that this may be the first time some friends and family have heard that we’re going to start this journey… well… SURPRISE HOMIES!!! We told y’all that we would really do it one day!! Better late than never, huh?? *shrugs*