Screw You BFN…

Hey all!

I know it’s been a long ass time since I updated the blog! Sorry about that! I’ve been teaching SO much! Then before I knew it, it was the holidays!!! And then… it was January 2019!!!!!! Like… WTF!!

Anyway, we’re still on our Journey to Jujubee! sigh…

So here’s a super condensed version of what’s been going on since the summer!

-We got a new midwife! We LOVE her! She’s so dope and so easy to talk to! We fell in love with her during our very first meeting in September! She’s definitely a keeper and will be the person giving me at home IUIs until we get a Juju.

– So, during our first meeting with her our midwife gave me A LOT of info on how to overhaul my diet to make conception easier. My diet is almost completely different than it was this time last year. Loads of leafy greens, lots of Greek yogurt and whole fat dairy, when eating meat… only grass -fed organic beef, loads of nuts and nut butters and whole grains… and… I cut the coffee and sugar DRAMATICALLY! Like… I’m down to 1 small cup of coffee in the mornings and only sweet snacks when I’m CRAZY craving them.

I’ve also had to learn to eat more. I have to admit that I was only eating maybe 2 times a day, not nearly enough. So I’ve added protein snacks about every 3 hours on top of breakfast/Lunch/Dinner. Yes… I’m actually getting all that in.

I also learned that I’m on the verge of being super anemic so I’ve added iron supplements on top of my prenatal vitamins. I never realized how I was not feeling 100% my best until I made all of these changes!!! Tons more energy and less frequent migraines! I’m still waiting for the cramps to ease up during my period but I’m definitely having lighter periods so yay!

-Another thing I’ve added, that I’m in love with, is acupuncture!!!!!!

OMG!!! Acupuncture is the shizzle forizzle!!!! Who knew that sticking tiny little needles all over your body would make EVERYTHING feel a little bit better.

I’m going specially for IUI support but it’s also helped old dance injuries that I’ve had for a long time! I HIGHLY recommend it if you haven’t tried it yet. My acupuncturist is the bomb diggity which also makes me love it tons. She also been prescribing me herbs to help the process along. It’s great!! A little pricey, especially if you have to go weekly like I do but totally worth it!!!

-So here’s where we get to the baby making update.

Well, after 3 months of trying to overhaul everything to make baby making easier, January came and it was time to start prepping for IUI #1. It was a little surreal as we (finally) chose our donor and purchased the (super expensive, super tiny) vial of sperm.

Around January 1st I became extra, super diligent about getting good BBT temp readings and tracking my ovulation signs. Around day 10 of my cycle I started tracking my surge and surged a full 2 days ahead of when I expected. I call my midwife and she’s all “ok… so I’ll be over tomorrow night to do the IUI.”. Kenni and I are all… “Ummmm… *gulp* ok”.

So we wake up butt early on a Wednesday morning and trek to the sperm bank to pick up our baby making juice!

It’s seriously A LOT of hoopla for the super tiny vial of sperm.

Kenni made me call a Lyft because she thought it was strange to travel on the subway with a big lo’ tank, filled with a tiny sperm vial. I was trying to tell her that we couldn’t be the ONLY people in NYC who have done that but… she wasn’t having it *shrug emoji*

After we got the babies home I went to my acupuncture appointment then came home and waited for the midwife.

She’s comes… does the whole IUI process (which includes a speculum, a super long syringe type situation and a process that feels much like having a Pap smear), which took maybe 10 minutes, made me put my legs in the air, and after a 10 minute random convo with my wife… while I’m naked from the waist down, with my legs in the air… leaves and that was that.

Then came the 2WW (2 Week Wait). Seriously the worst thing ever for someone who reads the ends of books first because she needs to know where the story is gonna go before it gets there. Sigh.

I did all the things that are supposed to help with implantation: No jumping (which is stupid because I’m a dance teacher), no lifting heavy stuff, warm foods and warm feet (which I heard may or may not work but did it anyway for good luck) and was SUPER conscious of my diet… more so than normal.

Sunday was the day to take a hpt (home pregnancy test). I woke up hella early because I couldn’t sleep… well really I’ve been having trouble sleeping for the last week but that’s a topic for another post… and peed on the stick… waited the stupid 3 minutes and…

Negative…

Stupid BFN (Big Fat Negative)

So here’s the thing. I kinda didn’t expect success on the first try. I know it takes most people multiple times to get pregnant through IUI. One of my best friends had to go through the process more that 8 times before she got her BFP (Big Fat Positive) so I want really surprised. What I was surprised at was how disappointed I felt. A knock the wind out of your sails kind of disappointment. Kinda like… Failure…

I even took another test just this morning to be sure… and still nope… sigh…

Let me be totally transparent and say that I am a control freak, perfectionist by nature. It takes a lot of self control for me to surrender to an experience or outcome. So maybe that’s why I felt SO disappointed. I thought I had let go and trusted the process but… I don’t know. I was super sad about it. Still am a little.

I’m trying to keep in perspective that this was our very first try and it’s not that huge of a deal. But, I’m still allowed to feel sad, right?

My heart goes out to every one going through this process cycle after cycle and keep getting their hearts broken month after month. I have to keep remembering I’m blessed with good fertility and that even if it’s not happening right now, it WILL happen. Juju is just waiting on the exact right moment to make their appearance.

There’s always next cycle.

Which for me starts on Friday once I get my period.

Then we do the entire process over again.

And keep hoping.

And waiting for Juju…

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Gettin’ Older… Nah… Only Better

So…

Monday was my 37th birthday.

Yup. That happened.

It was a REALLY good day. Super lowkey, filled with rain and sweets… Just like I like it!!!

I think I’m actually ready for all the change we are preparing for!

Usually, I… don’t dread my birthday… But I’m definitely usually not excited for it.  Not because I’m not grateful to be a year older… I always am SO grateful for that. But usually I just look at all the things I haven’t accomplished (yet) and I start hearing that clock tick, tick, ticking away… I usually feel like I’m running out of time to… be a successful adult.

But this year, I looked forward to my day a little more.

Am I exactly where I thought I would be at 37??

NOPE, no where even close…

Am I where I am SUPPOSED to be at 37???

YUPPERS!!! I really think I am!

Somewhere along the line, I finally stopped (or mostly stopped) comparing myself to others.

I mean… My life is completely different than most of the friends I grew up with. So, while they all own huge houses, have 3 1/2 kids and 2 dogs… Kenni and I are all… “Ummmmm… Sure… why not start trying to have a baby at 37 and 38 years old!! So what that our kid is going to be 8-10 and in some cases 14 years younger than most of our close friends’ babies. We have built in babysitters!!!!! *insert unbothered shrug emoji*”

2018 has been SUPER good to us so far so I think the decision to wait (which really wasn’t a decision but just happened) was the absolute right one for us.

So. It seems as though everything was in place as I rang in my 37th year. Hopefully by my next birthday we will be celebrating with Juju in one way or another… And I say that completely prayerfully. We will see…

And Juju Update:

I have an appointment with a new midwife in 2 weeks. I am REALLY trying to go the midwife route for my IUI, at least try it out for a couple of cycles, before we go the RE route. This one really gets in your ass about your diet and all the things that promote successful IUI… which is what I need. My blood work came back really good but I don’t want to leave anything to chance.

Anyway…

Here’s to my 37th year!!!!!

*I would say my wish out loud but we all know that’s a no-no*

 

 

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Let’s Take It From The Top…

Yo…

It’s been a crazy couple of months…

I know I’ve slacked off on the posting but life has been… full of surprises.

We have finally made a decision on what to do moving forward with Kenni’s fibroid surgery…

Since apparently the doctor doesn’t recommend attempting any fertility treatments for at least 3 months after her surgery… and she probably won’t even get into surgery before September/October… which pushes our timeline back to AT LEAST January/February…

We have decided that I’m going to go ahead with iui/ivf while we wait on Kenni to have the surgery and recover.

Yup… That’s happening…

A TOTAL change of plans!!!

We just figured… since we both planned on carrying at some point (we have a very optimistic plan to have 2 before we’re 40)… why wait if we don’t absolutely HAVE to. There’s 2 of us, so let’s just keep the baby train moving!!!!

We’re headed to Vegas next week for a work trip but once we get back I have to make all the appointments with the RE to see my options. My AMH is really good so I’m still leaning toward at home iui with the midwife we’ve chosen but if an RE can get me preggers faster… we may have to go that route. Its honestly like starting all over again because we thought we had time for me *insert laughing and shrug emojis*, but… Nope.

I do feel a little bad for Kenni because she really wanted to go ahead and try for it. And she knows I’m a little nervous to do this… I think she feels a little guilty.

I keep trying to reassure her that her health is SO important. These fibroids have been taking over her life for WAY too long. I just want to see her completely healthy and happy, without having week long hospital stays every couple of years for blood transfusions. That is the WORST.

I also want to see her not dread her period so bad that she’s in tears because she knows she’s going to lose soooooo much blood and may need a transfusion after. That is NO way to live and I want more for my wife than that. Much more.

So… Lets get that bullshit OUT!!!

It’s not cool to have random things in your abdomen just chillin’ there and stealing your blood. If you don’t have to… why live that way???

So… I’m going to woman up and take the dive first!!!!

I’m excited and nervous at the same time.

I have a few pregnancy phobias that I’ll tell y’all about later… But I’m not about to let those stand in our way.

Once Kenni is healthy and given the go ahead then we will go ahead and finish what we started with her.

That’s one of the advantages to being in a lesbian marriage. We got 2 uterus (what’s the plural of uterus???? Uteri??? Uteruseses??? *shug*)!!!!!!

Anyway… like I said… Vegas in 10 days, so we will not think about this and relax by the pool with a drank and eat out, gamble… a little.

Then we will come home refreshed and hopefully a little less stressed about this!

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