Jujubee Update… Kinda…

So… Here’s a wifey selfie.

That’s all you’re gonna get from yesterday’s Dr. appointment.

Why??

Because I apparently can’t read and didn’t see that our appointment is NEXT Wednesday.

My wife is not the best organizer, so I write most of her appointments down in my calendar so that I can remind her. So, she took my word for it because… I’m never wrong *sideeye* and she didn’t catch it until we were getting ready yesterday. *Facepalm*

So… There is absolutely no update… Sigh.

I’m so ready to just get this process started already!!

Anyway…

We’ve been looking at donors and are trying to decide which cryobank we’re going to use if we decide to go anonymous donor…

We found a cryobank here in NYC that is looking like the winner. It’s definitely more along our financial lines because we can eliminate expensive shipping fees. The only drawback is there is little to choose from by way of black donors. But… We think we’ve found a donor that is pretty close to what we’re looking for, so that’s hopeful.

The other place we we’re considering has MANY more black donors but… With crazy shipping costs. One cycle could easily run up to over $2000 in just sperm costs. Which is fine if we get pregnant from 1 cycle… But… That’s (unfortunately) doubtful.

We could of course get rid of all of this if we just went with our known donor. Which we still may. We are just the types to exhaust every option before we make a decision.

Donor Sperm shopping is weird. And harder than I thought it would be.

I mean… You’re basically shopping for your future kid! Or the traits you want them to have. More than likely traits that are close to the non-gestational parent…

Like.. take us:

We want a donor who is artistically inclined, so we look for that in the bio (that we don’t know wether or not to trust but hey, it’s all we got to go from). What did he major in in school? Accounting??? Ummm sounds boring… But oh! He plays the piano!!!

This one is a liberal arts major who has an “entrepreneurial spirit”… Does that mean he’s currently unemployed?? Oh! But the bio says he looks like Idris Elba! *Sideeye*.

This is basically all the info you get… Along with eye and hair color, blood type, race, height and weight (which Kenni pays attention to. She’s got an irrational phobia of having to give birth to a really large baby as small as she is. This cracks me all the way up!) and a few other things depending on the bank.

Then… You pay a subscription fee that allows you a little more info, some pics and maybe audio.

Then its like… Out of the 6 men that you’ve favorited… Which one most likely fits what you would be looking for as “baby daddy” material??

Yes. It’s just as hard for us to decide as it sounds.

Luckily we have until fall to make a decision. Although, like I said, we are eyeing one donor in particular. And… He seems to have a lot of “inventory” so… More shots at conception and siblings. And by siblings I mean ONE other. We’re thinking 2 is the max for us.

I’m fine with having an only child. I grew up as an only child (I have an older sister but from the time I was around 6 on, I was the only kid in my household) and I’m fine… Ok… I may be a lil bossy and lil all about me… But hey, I’m also a Leo so… That’s neither here nor there.

Kenni doesn’t want a lonely child. But, again, I was an only child and never felt lonely. I think my creativity came from me being an only child. I had to make up stuff to do for myself… So again, I don’t see the problem but Kenni has her heart set on there being 4 of us so… If all goes as planned with her… it’ll be my turn!

So there you have it… Our (Lack of) Juju update.

There will be an update next week for sure… I’m making Kenni keep up with her own damn appointments from now on…

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Choosing a Baby Daddy/ Donor Sperm Dilemma

Sperm.

I’ve never talked about sperm so much in my life.

As a badge wearing “Gold Star Lesbian” (meaning I’ve never had sex with a guy… Ever. And I’m just kidding, we don’t have badges, but how dope would that be?? *Insert crying laughing emoji), sperm has never been my go- to conversation ice breaker.

But as we start solidifing components of our TTC journey, EVERYONE is asking…

Most of our straight friends are intrigued by the whole concept of donor sperm and have soooo many questions.

Are we using a sperm bank? Are we looking for a black donor? Do we want someone who looks a little like whoever’s not carrying so that the baby looks like both of us? Are using a friend’s sperm?

And my personal favorite…

“So, how are you going to do this??? Are you going to have sex with a man? It’s the easiest way!!!”

Yup… Was definitely asked that… We laughed it off and were like “Ummmm… Hell to the naw!”, but yes… We’ve gotten some unique questions.

Each and every person has meant well and all want to see us successful at this whole Jujubee thing but… Let’s think about these questions before we ask them, shall we people?

So here is where we are on the donor tip…

We have been looking into and toying with the idea of using a known donor. We have 2 friends who definitely want to “help” us out. Both we’ve known for a really long time so it’s not completely off the table. There are just a few issues that concern us.

The first is the legalities behind the whole thing. We definitely know that one of the guys would want to be like D-A-D and we’re not too into the idea of having to get third party input on our parenting decisions.

So for him… Well we haven’t brought it up to him again yet. Not because we are putting in a hard no… But because we’re not sure how we feel and how to go about bring up the subject.

What do you say??

“Yeah, we want your sperm but you’re going to be more of an uncle figure than a daddy… Sorry, homie.”

Ugh. That’s awkward. Yes. I know, I know… We’re not going to say it like that but… Sigh..

The other thing is all the testing and time. I’ve done some (very) preliminary research and known donor sperm has to have a 6 month quarentine period, which pushes back our ideal time period to start iui. Not to mention the cost of all the testing and legal paperwork! It could end up being more than sperm from a bank!

So we’re leaning towards using a sperm bank. That way everything is already done and there should be no medical surprises or anything.

We’ve opened accounts at a couple of different cryo banks and have been window shopping a bit.

One is a little less expensive than the other but has only 4 black donors. Yes… I counted. Looks like black men ain’t trynna give up the stuff for some reason!!! *Shrugs* (And that’s totally a joke… I don’t know the reason but the reality is that there’s not as many black donors as other races) Probably because of that… All of them have really low inventory. So that one is more than likely out.

The other is more expensive (like by a few hundred dollars) but definitely has more melanin men to choose from. We’ve already favorited some. We need to make the leap and pay for the packages so that we can see photos and all.

More than likely we’ll be going with this one.

Bit this is one thing I never really thought about.

That since both Kenni and I are black, that when it came sperm donor time… It may be hard to find melaninated sperm.

We, like I’ve said before, are totally open to a non brown donor so we’re not too annoyed, but if it mattered a hell of a lot to us, I would be a lil discouraged and a lil stressed out to be honest. A black donor is ideal for us but not a deal breaker. So we’ll see what happens.

We’ll be narrowing everything down in the next month or so.

Sigh… So I guess the sperm convo will continue. Be expecting more posts about it!

Doctor’s Appointment on Deck

So… first post…

And first real day of planning Jujubee (that’s what we’ve chosen for a nickname, its so…us)…

We are in the VERY beginning stages of this whole thing. We have decided that since Kenni is a year older and has a rough history with her periods that she would try conceiving first. She has been in touch with a midwifery clinic here in Brooklyn to #1 get a well woman appointment to make sure the equipment is working how it should be. She has fibroids that landed her in the hospital 2 years ago, so we just have to cover all our basis. If, God forbid, the fibroids are going to make things go a little slower for her, then I’ll step up to the plate to be Jujubee’s home for 9 months.

#2 To have our first IUI consultation to see what the exact process is and basically scare us and have us anxiety ridden until we actually have a Jujubee safe in our arms.

This has been a LONG time coming. After 16 years together, (I was 20 when we met, she was 21) we’ve put this off for years. Why? Fear.

Not fear of having a baby, we have always known that we wanted to raise a family together. We always speak of our future little one and we’ve discussed how we want to raise him/her. But yet, we were both scared.

In our 20s it was being scared of giving up the life we had already created together. We went out a lot. Drank… A lot… Kenni smoked a lil of the green stuff and we lived like typical 20 somethings living in NYC… just together.

In our 30s the fear comes from not feeling like we have our shit together enough. Like, we still feel like kids. We have an apartment, pay bills, go to work, eat organic, the drinking is VERY minimal (a bad night of Fireball made that cease), the smoking is COMPLETELY non existant and a lit night now is ordering sushi and watching 3 or 4 90s movies in a row before passing out with the Buddy (our 4 year old chihuahua/husky mix) between us. So we are pretty good 30 somethings. But are we together enough to take care of another human being???

We just felt like things weren’t perfect enough.

You see, the blessing and the curse of being lgbt, being married and starting a family is that you can plan EVERYTHING out. You HAVE to plan EVERYTHING. From when you start, to who provides sperm (or eggs), who is going to carry… Most of the preliminary stuff to get started having a baby is in your hands. It’s not like your most straight friends who just up and one day are pregnant.

A control freak like me’s safe place…

or is it?

In my control freaky mind, everything has to be perfect. Our life had to already be perfect. We have to have a house that resembles Stef and Lena from The Fosters or we have to be making as much money as Bette and Tina from L Word (really, maybe I need to just lay off the lesbian television).

But really, none of that matters I guess. Sure we would love to be more financially blessed… who wouldn’t, and we would love to have a huge home with the kids’ art work everywhere… but we live in Brooklyn so the huge home is more of an apartment… but we can still have the kids’ artwork everywhere.

Point is… nothing is going to be perfect. But we have to trust that the life we have created is perfect for us and the love that we have for one another is perfect. And that the love we have for and going to give Jujubee is perfect. Living and leading through love is something Kenni and I strive for everyday of our lives. We try not to act on or say anything that is not from love. So… That’s how we are going to approach this. Through love and faith.

So… Kenni’s doctors appointment is still pending but will probably be next week or the week after. Just waiting on confirmation from the midwife. For now I’ll just keep reading lesbian parenting blogs and researching iui’s and ivf and everything needed for lesbian baby making.

This feels right. For the first time… things feel right…

OH! P.S. I just realized while proof reading this that this may be the first time some friends and family have heard that we’re going to start this journey… well… SURPRISE HOMIES!!! We told y’all that we would really do it one day!! Better late than never, huh?? *shrugs*

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